<Gonna do this on my own...>

Monday, January 31, 2005

I remember that particular September sunday in 2002. I went up in front of the Sanctuary, and promoted the church camp in December. At the end of it all, everyone clapped. Outside, the adult advisors were all pattin ma back, saying "Man that was a damn good speech!" and other praises. All I could remember was me smiling back. For once, I had contributed something to my church.

And then, like flowing water, everybodie wanted me to do stuff.
"Hey, could ya help me with the camera and editing during camp..?"
"Hey Julian! Could u do teach these girls how to do ur speech..?"
"Julian! Could u help us with publicity...?"

..and on and on and on. Yes, i admit. The limelight was on me...
Church camp came. I had a whale of a time.. i made new frens. lots of them... i was blind to think that i had made new friends..

The O lvl year kept me busy from going to church. And I had mainly lost contact wid most of the church pple.. i went for the occasion cell grps tat had been set up after the church camp.. it was the onli thing that made me still part of church. But a cell grp is after all, a small grp. Not the church. It cant be even compared to the church. Eventually the year passed by quickly.. again another church camp was held. I was roped into the commitee to help wid games.. i felt a sense of renewal in me. Like I was gon contribute again.. and in the process, restablished frenships!

haha, i was a real foo'..

Frens? wad frens? Frens that dont talk to you during lunch? Frens that 'oh' or 'ah' when I tried to make convos? Or the supposingly majority of newcomers that I tried to socialise with? Haha, good job there. In the end, when evryone was talkin wid each other over lunch, laughin over jokes and the like, I was in ma room, nappin until the next programme. Ironically, i was the leader of a grp. Some leader eh? Haha, im grateful for the few new frens that I made in my grp. Those were the only frens that kept me alive durin the camp... other than that, i was trudging around...
and then wad bout that time when my game commitee was supposed to help out lay out the stuff for the major game of the camp?? Where were they? Haha, i'll tell you. They were out having fun, playing rugby in the rain.. I was doing it all myself with some of the advisors. I asked one of my grp mates to help tell them that they were supposed to cut out the cardboards...
and i wasnt surprised. BCOS none came... heh heh.
And then i see one of the members walking up soaked up smiling and talking bout dinner.. to think that she was one of the frens that I made durin last yrs. I told her: "Hey u were supposed to be cutting out the stuff remember?" and she goes: "O.O Oh yah!! I forgot" and a whole lot of sorries.. I didnt get into a shouting match, but I gave her the message i was upset.

then one of the girls told me that she was feelin down bcos i was upset... Ok fine. I didnt want to make enemies and give the impression that I was an asshole, so durin dinner, i went to apologize. Ok she smiled. But I didnt buy it.. some fren.

2003 camp was done... and one of the advisors talked to me and told me how he noticed i was behaving strangely during camp. like i wasnt ma usual self. i was quiet, lonely and depressed, so he tells me. He wanted me to try again this yr, to go ahead and try to forge new frenships.. i didnt wan to upset him. so i did... and failed miserably.
on a bit of history, these grp of church pple had been attendin together ever since they were kidds. obviously, their grp bond wud be strong. so wad makes me tink that I can easily juz fit in? haha, difficult yah? Or maybe.. IMPOSSIBLE.

Then it came.. the inevitable happened.

It was after the release of the O level results, in April. Everyone, of cuz, knew where they were. Me too.. and then durin one sundae class, we had new teachers. A nice middle aged couple.. so they decided to get know us. So they made us intro one another. Name and school.
"Im A from ACJC"
"Im B from ACJC"
"C from ACJC"
"oh im D from ACJC"....

and then it came to me.

"Julian, Ngee Ann Poly"

I felt twenty odd pair of eyes lookin at me. It was in a split second... but i saw it all. Even before the teachers pointed to the next guy in the next row, I saw it all... those looks that they gave me. I will never forget that day..
Haha... why did I even bother mentioning which course i was going to...

"Julian, which course are you in then?"
"Mass Comm..."
"Mass Comm.?!! OH GREAT u can help!" squealed a 'fren'.

During the last few months of 2004, I did 3 videos for the church camp. Everyone complimented how good they were. They kept on asking for more videos... i only obliged bcos my advisor realli wanted me to do it. So i went ahead wid it...
I was freakin pissed that I couldnt go for church camp.. bcos sch clashed wid it.. So a yr's work of trying to did wad i did back in 2002 was flushed down. This time, it was a mass church camp, combining the 2 youth services. Wad an opportunity... and it slipped past. Just like that.

Look now, in 2005. The camp was so funn that evryone is havin fun even after that. Hah, and look at me, all left out. Those 'frens' couldnt even bother be speaking to me. Its only a Hi or a wave thats all. no conversations, nothing. Its only when they come talk to me, they wan to ask me to make another video or a meeting... haha. like im being used.

U happy now? The limelight's all back to ya. Its no longer on me... in the first place, u guyz probably never wanted me near you. Everytime I walk by, i can see that stare across ur faces. U may be chatting with a smile, but the stare dont lie... its rite there for me to see..
i tink i shud leave y'all. prob that will make u feel better... u dun need an 'extra' to be nearr..